So I've returned from St. John's where I went down to take part in a wedding. Most times when I book a trip I get pretty excited a day or two before the actual date of travel, but for this adventure I was so busy with work that I really didn't have a chance to get amp'd up! My buddy getting married, Jacob "GUS", is my longest friendship that I have since we became extremely close friends from grade 1. I let him know months before the wedding that no matter when or where it is, I'm there in a heartbeat.
Getting to the airport at 8am was horrible, my head was still thinking about work (as gay as that sounds), and I honestly didn't know what I was getting myself into by going to St. John's. Sleeping the whole way there was good, but waking up just 10 minutes before landing in SJ's was a little shocking. As captain Turdball gets on the intercom; '..attendents please cross check for landing, and make sure all seats and trays are back in their upright position...', I wake up and look out the window to see what SJ's is all about. NOT MUCH!! I was desperately looking for a downtown area or some type of shopping mall, but all I saw was a shit load of rocks, barron land and a few small houses. All I could think was "great......I'm here for four days!". I know this sounds very close minded of me, and it is! I don't have a lame excuse for the way I think, that's just how I roll.
Gus was at the airport waiting for me, so we hop into his truck and start catching up on old times. First thing I had to ask was; 'So where the fuck is the rest of this town?'.....'You're in it, this is it'. He noticed that I started to get the shakes and immediately took me to the liquor store to hydrate my body and calm my nerves. After we downed some local ale by the name of QV Beer, I was prepared to embrace this town and whatever shots it was aiming to fire at me. The whole weekend was filled with brunch parties, dinners, meeting in-laws and helping Gus prepare for his big day. He really went out of his way and provided me with some of the coolest living arrangments by renting a house right on the Atlantic Ocean......it was truly breathtaking. I'm not a big nature fan, but I have to admit the ocean is pretty fuckin' cool.
After landing I got ready and was off to the first of many parties, this one took place right after the wedding rehersal and was at Andrea's aunt's place (Andrea is the bride to be). We mingled with the family and I got to catch up with Gus's mom, Sue, who is one of the coolest people around. We began throwing down drinks, and I was slowly begining to realize that I was surrounded by 80 white people and I was the only colored person there!! I got a little nervous as I got drunker but suprisingly the newfies just formed a circle around me in the kitchen as I began to tell story after story about Gus and being brown!! I took on the name of simply being called the brown newfie! Everything seemed to be going great until Aunt Barbara took me by the arm and dragged me outside and said 'It's time to induct you into being an honorary Newfie!!' WTF?!?! Isn't flying from Ottawa to here good enough?? Dammit, these white people were about to humiliate me and I knew it!
They had me sit in the backyard while being surrounded by 60 drunk men, all of whom were yelling.....SCREECH, SCREECH, SCREECH!! At that point I was prepared to shit my pants, and then when Aunt Barbara came out in a yellow rain suit holding a raw cod and a bottle of liquor I did! Not literally but in my head there was shit everywhere. She gets all the drunk men to shut the hell up, as she breaks out into this long speech about how the traditions of SJ's state that you must kiss a raw fish on the mouth, take a shot of this liquor called Screech and then say this gay quote.
"Screeching in" consists of kissing a cod, drinking the Newfie Scotch called Screech, and reciting: "Long may your big jib draw!"
So I look over at Gus, who's holding his camera to make sure he gets all the footage he can of me being a total ass, and tell him to get ready!! I whispered across the backyard and told him that I'm about to take this tradition to the next level. As I get called up to kiss the fish, I walk over and shut the crowd up by asking for everyones attention. This kinda threw everybody off, as they see this skinny brown kid telling 60 drunk newfies to shut the fuck up....but they did! I just thanked Aunt Barbara for making me feeling like one of her own and thanked both families for all their kindness and hospitality, then I asked everybody if they were prepared to watch a brown man screech in. After everyone began yelling, I walked up to the Cod bent over and instead of kissing him on the mouth I put his whole head in my mouth and in true Ozzy Osbourne fashion I bit his head off and spit it out.....then grabbed my Screech and threw it down. At this point the entire backyard was erupting with laughter and yelling; I then recite "Long my Jibbs chain hang low!!" Gus and his family then ran over and started hugging and cheering me on, not because of me being screeched in, but I think they were envious of my clean slacks.
